Dharma Meeting and Meetings with the Queen Mother of Bhutan, Director of the CBS and GNH Research, Deputy Minister of Industry, and Dasho Pema
Hello! Today, Sunim participated in a live-streamed Dharma meeting in the morning and met people throughout the day. The Dharma meeting began at 7 am Bhutan time. After presenting a video featuring the places and people Sunim had visited in Bhutan, he received questions.
Today, three people asked questions. One of them asked about how to practice because she has feelings of resentment and hatred toward her husband.
“I usually don’t cry, but lately, when I’m alone, I find myself occasionally crying out of bitterness. My husband continues to live the way he did during his college years, prior to our marriage. He has dedicated several years to studying for certification after returning home from work. I resent him, questioning why I should live in this way while he gets to live the way he did before we were married. I am making an effort to get along with him because my perspective has changed after listening to your Dharma talks and he is a good father to our children. I am usually affectionate toward him, but there are times when I unknowingly ignore him or treat him coldly, which conflicts with my intentions. I feel uneasy because I behave inconsistently, despite my intentions. How should I practice?”
“When you married, did somebody force you to marry? Or did you choose to marry?”
“I chose to marry after careful consideration. We dated for a long time before we decided to get married.”
“Did you choose him? Or did somebody force you to marry him?”
“I chose him.” (laughter)
“Then why do you regret the decision you made?”
“I made the decision to marry him without knowing him well. Although I observed him for four years and decided to marry him after careful consideration, I realized that I didn’t know him well enough once we were married.”
“Then, did he change over the course of four years, or was he always like that and you were simply unaware of it?”
“I wasn’t aware of it.”
“If you made the decision to marry him without truly knowing him, who should take the responsibility for it, you or he?”
“I should.”
“How can you harbor resentment and hatred toward him when you yourself should take responsibility for the situation?”
“It’s because he’s working on self-improvement while I feel like I am taking care of him, almost like a maid.”
“Although you married and built a family together, why do you still compete with each other, questioning who is better? If your husband neglected his job and only focused on studying, it could be problematic. However, if he manages to keep his job while studying for certification during his free time to improve the family situation, it’s something worthy of praise, not criticism. Studying for certification to secure a stable source of income in case he quits his job is praiseworthy. It’s actually better than going out to have fun or drinking. You are not in a competitive relationship with him, so why do you feel jealous about that?”
“But I constantly calculate who between my husband and I does more household chores.”
“Does it mean that when you calculate who benefits more from your marriage, you come to the conclusion that you are at a disadvantage?”
“Yes, even if I try not to calculate, I can’t help but feel like I’m at a disadvantage. Although I try not to show it, I’m starting to resent my husband.”
“It’s not important whether or not you show your feelings of resentment toward your husband. What you need to consider is whether it’s necessary to calculate which is more advantageous between studying for certification and doing household chores. If it is not something that needs to be calculated, there is no reason to feel resentment, and therefore no need to show it. By calculating and perceiving yourself at a disadvantage, it’s inevitable that you’ll feel resentful. You’re having a hard time trying not to feel resentful when you can’t help but feel that way. Think about this carefully:
‘Should I tolerate my husband’s studying because it is something to be resentful about, or is it foolish to resent my husband for studying?’
“You need to see through to the essence of the situation. When you do all the household chores alone, it’s understandable that you may occasionally have bitter thoughts about your husband from your point of view. However, from your husband’s point of view, since his current job is unstable, he is studying for certification whenever he can in order to ensure a stable livelihood. If you can understand your husband’s situation, you would make him a cup of tea and show your support by acknowledging the hard work he puts into studying. If you adopt a positive mindset like this, will it be good for your husband or will it bring peace of mind to you?”
“I want to have a positive mindset, but it’s not easy. And I wonder if it will ever happen.”
“I’m not saying that you should force yourself to think positively about your husband. What is the reason for your husband to study for certification? Is it primarily for personal benefit, or for the collective benefit of the family?”
“For the collective benefit of the family.”
“We always divide roles. At a restaurant, there is someone washing the vegetables, someone cutting them, and someone cooking the rice. In our community, tasks are divided among people for cleaning, cooking, and doing laundry. In your family, you are also dividing roles and responsibilities with your husband. The roles of husband and wife are not fixed. It’s something that the couple can decide through mutual agreement. If it would be better for you to study, you can study while your husband takes care of household chores. If the division of roles feels unfair, you can find a compromise by talking with your husband. However, if you perceive the situation as him sitting comfortably at the desk, studying, leaving you with all the menial work, you are the only one who suffers. Your husband is studying for the collective benefit of the family.
“If one spouse studies for certification instead of both spouses, doesn’t the other spouse have to take care of the household chores and children? If you have the perspective that you’ve divided your roles for your mutual future benefit, there’s no reason for you to hate your husband. If there is no hatred, there’s no need to endure or make an effort. You don’t have the mindset of living together and think as if you are not married:
‘I am not doing anything for my personal development and only taking care of you, while you are studying for your own personal growth.’
“I would understand if you felt resentful because obtaining certification only benefited your husband and caused losses for you, but that is not the case here. If you view your husband obtaining certification as a mutual benefit, there’s no reason to feel resentment. If you want to study for the sake of mutual benefit, you can do so. If studying seems like a good idea, feel free to pursue it. However, it is wrong to resent your husband for studying. The point I am trying to make is that while it is your choice to engage in the same activity as your husband because it appears beneficial to you, harboring resentment toward him is not the right approach.”
“However, if I were to study as well, our home would become a complete mess. The children wouldn’t be taken care of either.”
“What if your home becomes messy? If that happens, your husband may choose to stop studying and take care of some household chores. Wanting to study is your freedom and right. You can have a conversation with your husband and come up with a solution where you take care of household chores when he is studying for certification, and vice versa when you are studying for certification.”
“Yes.”
“But harboring resentment toward your husband is wrong. If the activity your husband is engaged in appears to be beneficial, you can choose to do the same. What do you think?”
“I understand what you are saying but it is not easy to change my perspective. I am participating in Jungto Society’s 1,000-Day Practice but I’m not sure if I will ever change through my practice.”
“It’s alright if you don’t change. But who suffers if you don’t change?”
“I will”
“I’m not trying to suggest that you should take care of your husband. It’s about not harboring resentment toward your husband for studying. Your husband studying for certification is not only for his personal development but also for the future of your family. You are free to decide whether you want to study as well if you think that your husband’s studying seems beneficial. There is nothing wrong with your husband studying for certification. From this perspective, there is no reason to feel resentment. If you find yourself doing most of the household chores, divide the roles with your husband. Don’t torment yourself by forcing yourself to do good things or feeling obligated to help. Instead, say the following during your morning practice:
‘My husband is studying for the benefit of the family, and yet I felt resentment. My husband studying for certification is not something to be resentful about.’”
“Thank you.”
After the Dharma meeting, Sunim met Dasho Karma Ura, the director of the Center for Bhutan Studies and Gross National Happiness (GNH) Research, at 10 am.
Sunim began the conversation by sharing his thoughts and experiences about his visit to Bhutan so far, which started on Apr. 25. Sunim and Dasho Karma Urga engaged in a two-hour discussion about the idea of applying Bhutan’s concept of GNH to local development initiatives, with the aim of creating a model for sustainable development.
As he was leaving the center after the meeting, Sunim expressed his impressions of the meeting.
“We had a hard time communicating about the concept of ‘sustainable development’ that I had in mind. Maybe the time is not yet ripe for talking about this topic with government officials. Having a conversation about something doesn’t guarantee that it will be accomplished.” (laughter)
Sunim headed for the venue of the next meeting right away. The Queen Mother, who is also the chairperson of Bhutan Nuns Foundation (BNF) run by the executive director Dr. Tashi Zangmo, had invited him to lunch. When Sunim arrived at her residence, he was welcomed by the Queen Mother, the princess, who is the younger sister of the King, and her husband.
The Queen Mother said that as the world becomes more modernized, the importance of cultivating one’s mind and the teachings of the Buddha become greater. Sunim agreed with what she said.
“You’re right. I think so, too. I’ve been involved in a movement to enhance happiness among people in Korea. Despite Korea’s GDP having increased by 350 times since my elementary school days, the level of people’s happiness hasn’t improved significantly. It’s clear that simply focusing on economic growth and enhancing social systems isn’t enough to make people happier; cultivating one’s mind according to the Buddha’s teachings is essential for happiness.
“I would love to see the nuns engage in social movements through the teachings of the Buddha. To do so, the nuns need to have confidence and leadership. To have leadership in the world, they need to have a better understanding of the world. And to achieve that, they need to have a basic education.
“On my way to eastern Bhutan, I visited Samten Choeling Nunnery. The young nuns are more children than monastics. I think that young children should receive a good basic education. However, I heard that when a child becomes a nun, it’s difficult for her to get an education. I think it would be a good idea to gather young nuns from across the country at the BNF’s Training and Resource Center to provide them with elementary and middle school education. This way, they can become potential agents for spreading the values of GNH to the world.
“Humanity is facing a climate crisis. This is the result of consumerism, driven by the idea that producing and consuming more is living well. Europe, the United States, China, India, and other countries are all following this direction. It is only a matter of time before everyone realizes that environmental disaster for humanity is imminent.
“The concept of GNH introduced in Bhutan values ‘happiness.’ I am watching whether the young people of Bhutan will continue to uphold the GNH values set forth by the former king or if they will follow the global trend of pursuing development driven by desires.
“Even if Bhutan chooses to maintain the values of GNH, if they attempt to block the global trend of materialistic civilization, it may not be sustainable. Only when people think ‘I want to live a happy life like the people of Bhutan,’ even if they have access to information about the lifestyle of pursuing desires through online platforms such as Youtube, can the model be sustainable.
“I am currently searching for ways to overcome the crisis facing human civilization. Through the teachings of Buddha, we need to create a sustainable ‘social development model’ for humanity.
“Until recently, I believed that countries such as Tibet and Myanmar were relatively successful in upholding the Buddha’s teachings. However, with the influence of capitalism, money has become more powerful than the Buddha’s teachings, even in those countries. It seems that Bhutan is the only place where these teachings are still strongly upheld. The ‘sustainable development model’ that I propose is not only for the benefit of Bhutan but a global task that should be undertaken collectively by the whole world.
“For the creation of a ‘sustainable development model’ for the future of humanity, two factors need to be combined. Firstly, basic human needs must be met through the development of material civilization. Secondly, continuous education on the fundamental values of life should take place.
“If a region is materially too poor, it is difficult for it to serve as a universal model. Therefore, for the sustainable development model, we can choose one of the poorest regions in Bhutan and develop it to ensure basic livelihoods while also avoiding the excessive pursuit of desires. To achieve development while ensuring basic livelihoods, without destroying the environment, and by preserving traditional culture and fostering cooperation and peace, continuous education is necessary.
“Investment in basic social infrastructure such as water and electricity could be the responsibility of the central government, while software aspects such as social education could be taken up by civil organizations like the nunneries. Industrial activities, healthcare, and public health could be managed by local governments. Collaborating in this manner, with a planning horizon of 5–10 years, could be a viable approach.
“The intention is to bring together like-minded individuals to develop a specific region and create a new development model that can serve as an alternative to modern society. Many tourists visit Bhutan, mainly to experience its beautiful natural landscapes. However, if such a sustainable development model is established, there is a possibility that many people would visit Bhutan to directly experience and learn from this new way of life. In this way, this model could spread globally.
“Currently, even when I speak about it, most people don’t understand it. However, in the future, when environmental crises, financial crises, pandemics, and wars occur, people will finally be able to comprehend what I’m saying. People are aware that the climate crisis is a problem, but no one knows how we should live to solve this issue. That’s why we need a model.
“This is not just a model for Bhutan, but a model for all of humanity. It is not solely about helping the impoverished; it is about collectively researching and developing ways to live sustainable lives.”
“That is an excellent idea. I wholeheartedly agree with you. Having people like you gives us great hope.”
The Queen Mother expressed a much more proactive interest and shared her own opinions than the government official Sunim met in the morning. Sunim and the Queen Mother had their respective schedules, but they postponed them and continued their conversation for three more hours.
There were more topics left to discuss, but Sunim had to attend his next engagement, so they concluded their conversation. However, the Queen Mother expressed a desire to show Sunim her personal garden and took him for a walk, giving a detailed explanation about the garden. Sunim then proceeded to meet with Dasho Tashi Wangmo, the deputy minister of Bhutan’s Ministry of Industry at 3:30 p.m.
“The Ministry of Industry is in charge of development, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is. It’s engaged in the development of vulnerable areas in Bhutan.”
“Then, our opinions may be somewhat opposed. Can our conversation still proceed well?” (laughter)
Sunim talked about the sustainable development model that he had discussed with the Queen Mother earlier.
“Sunim, it’s very interesting. The area where I come from is very underdeveloped, I want to apply the model to my hometown first.” (laughter)
The deputy minister listened carefully to what Sunim said. Their conversation continued for about two hours. The deputy minister proposed a few additional meetings for more comprehensive discussions about the implementation of the model before ending the conversation.
Sunim repeated the same ideas to different people all day long, and there was still one more meeting to attend. However, Sunim showed no signs of fatigue.
At 7 pm, Sunim had a conversation with Dasho Pema, a prominent candidate for the position of prime minister in January next year. Dasho Pema visited Sunim at his lodging. They had a conversation over dinner prepared by the bhikkhunis. Dasho Pema mentioned that he had previously worked as a government official and was preparing for the upcoming election. He also said that he had heard about Sunim from Dr. Tashi and was curious to know Sunim’s schedule in Bhutan and his impressions of the country during his visit.
Sunim also discussed with Dasho Pema the sustainable development model for human civilization and its potential applicability in Bhutan. Initially, he mistook Sunim’s idea as assistance for the impoverished. However, as the conversation progressed, he grasped the concept of the sustainable development model and found it to be a novel approach.
“Suim, thank you for sharing such an excellent idea. I hope that someday we can bring the model to life together.”
“Yes, for that to happen, you would have to win in the upcoming election. (laughter) However, I want to create such a model for the future of Bhutan and humanity, irrespective of politics.”
Dasho Pema said,
“I will do whatever I can for this wonderful idea to be realized in Bhutan, irrespective of the outcome of the election.”
Sunim had one more day remaining in Bhutan and Dr. Tashi asked if he wanted to meet any more people.
“This should be sufficient for now. To engage in deeper conversations, we need to build trust while working together. I believe that implementing the sustainable development model in Bhutan is a decision to be made by the king or the prime minister, rather than a government official. Tomorrow, it would be nice to visit Paro, a city in the western region known for its relatively well-developed tourism industry.”
“Yes, I’ll make the necessary arrangements.”
Tomorrow will be the final day in Bhutan.
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